Breakfast At The Malfoy's
by Netrixie
Summary: Hermione wakes up one morning with a hangover and no memory of what happened. What is she going to find out? Slash, cursing, evil headaches


Disclaimer: It's all J.K.'s.

Warning: I was in the shower at 5:30 this morning when it came to me. Please- don't ask…. Just don't. Its better that way, believe me.

A/N: As always, please review. Thanks. I hope I haven't scarred you for life with this.

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Hermione groaned when she went to sit up- her head was killing her. She sank back into the very soft bed she was in (_this is too soft to be mine)_ and shut her eyes. "Where am I?" she ground out, not expecting anyone to answer. When someone did, she shot up, then immediately grabbed her head to keep it from splitting apart.

"Mistress Hermione is right here." Was the answer to her question. "She's been here all night. Why doesn't she know where she is?" Hermione opened her eyes very carefully, and peaked around her fingers. The thin, squeaky voice belonged to a house- elf, Dobby if she wasn't mistaken, and he looked very confused. He was talking to another house- elf (_Winky?)_ and they seemed to have been coming to wake her up. The elves shrugged, then turned back to face Hermione. She had both hands covering her face, and was wishing she was dead.

"This is why I don't go out drinking," she told herself, "my head kills me and I don't remember anything." With her last word, she peaked out from between her fingers again, and saw the bottle the two elves were holding. It took the both of them to carry it, and the label looked distinctly familiar. '_Severus' recipe to relieve hangovers'. _ "Give me that bottle." She stretched a hand out and snatched it from the elves, popping the seal off and downing it in one movement.

It started working immediately _(Snape makes the best hangover remedies)_ and she swung her feet out of the bed and stood, stretching to her full height. The amount of kinks in her back was amazing, and- _why are my privates sore? Oh My God, did I fuck someone last night? WHO?_ Hermione was shocked, and deeply disturbed by the fact that she still couldn't remember. The house- elves had disappeared once she drank the potion, so she was left alone to figure out where she was and what happened last night.

Still shocked by the revelation that she'd had sexual intercourse with an- as- yet- to- be- named person, Hermione dressed and left the room; thinking. _Well, Dobby follows Harry everywhere, so I must be near him. And that was Snape's potion they gave to me, so I'm near him too (unless wherever I am keeps a stock of his hangover relievers on hand). The bed was very soft, so I'm not at the Weasley's, and_- her thoughts cut off when she opened the door and saw the hallway. The ornate decorations were tasteful and classy, and with just her naked eye she could tell that she would never be able to afford to buy even the carpet, much less decorate the entire hallway.

Shocked by her surroundings, she continued. _So this person is very wealthy, and has great taste. _She opened one door, and saw that it led into a study. Shutting it, she went to the next. It led to a very large library- it was easily twice as large as the one at Hogwarts. _Holy Hannah_, Hermione thought, awed.

A memory came to her, of Flooing into this room- last night? Whatever, she did remember it. So, as much as she wanted to explore the library, she refrained and continued searching for clues as to where she was. _Okay, so this person is very well- read. Good. Great. Glad to know it. _She went on.

Coming to a dead- end, she turned back the way that she had come and went to the end of the hallway and made a left. She continued wandering, sometimes remembering places that she had- apparently- been in last night. When she came to the set of spiraling staircases, she had something of a memory of what had happened.

She and Harry had gone out for drinks at the Eye of The Tiger- a Wizarding Pub in Muggle London- and they were just leaving for the night when they'd seen a group of Death Eaters prowling the streets. Even though they were more than slightly tipsy, they had drawn wands and charged after the Death Eaters. As could be expected, they didn't really get any good shots in- drunk- ass Wizards are not particularly known for their ability to aim well-and they had been brought to Voldemort.

Everything was blurry after that, and it still didn't explain how Hermione had ended up here, in this rich man's paradise. She had vague recollections of a lot of screaming, and someone saying "Mudblood" a lot, but no more memories were triggered.

Sighing, Hermione went down the stairs. She didn't know why her privates hurt, either, and she refused to contemplate the fact that she might have been raped by Death Eaters. And anyway, kitchens were usually located downstairs, and she was _starving_.

Hearing voices coming from one of the rooms to her left, she followed the sound and was shocked at what she saw. Inside the dining room were five people (_her brain absolutely refused to believe they were who they looked like they were)_ and a table stacked with food. Focusing on the food, she stood in the doorway. No one noticed her. Pancakes, apples, pears, grapes, waffles, sausages, eggs scrambled, over easy, and Benedict, milk, cereal, tea, coffee, oranges, apple strudel, bagels, cream cheese, cheesecake, and Egg Nog? Hermione shook her head. _I can't believe I'm seeing this. This is a dream. Oh. My. God_. It'sreal.

Harry and Severus were sitting at the table. So were Draco and Lucius Malfoy. But the one that scared her most was the fact that _Voldemort _was sitting there calmly, eating his eggs, and watching the other four. And speaking of them, Hermione really couldn't believe her eyes. Harry was staring at Draco like he was the finest cut of strip steak (and Harry _loved_ strip steak), and- Hermione sucked in her breath. _Severus Snape was in Lucius Malfoy's lap!!!Eating off of his fork!! _Hermione felt sick- and she ducked out of the room to try and keep her gorge down.

She remembered everything that had happened last night, and she couldn't believe it. _Did that really happen?_

flashback

_Hermione and Harry were in a dark room tied and bound into a kneeling position. The Death Eaters they'd attacked had gone to get Voldemort. They looked at each other, anguish in their eyes, and turned as one when the Dark Lord entered, Severus Snape, and Lucius and Draco Malfoy at his heels. Voldemort sent all his followers away but for the Malfoy's and Snape and warded the doors so that none could enter._

_He'd walked over to them, and had bent so that he could see their faces. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in." He said his voice a horrible caress that ran down their spines. "Good." He stood up suddenly, and gestured for Draco to come near. "I believe that this belongs to you" He said pointing at Harry. Draco came over and unbound Harry, and stood him up. Harry shook out his robes, stretched, and walked over to Voldemort._

"_How are you doing, Tom? Long time, no see." The younger wizard raised his hand to give Voldemort a welcoming handshake, and was pulled into a back breaking hug. "Harry, my boy. I've missed you. You should try to come around more often." "I try, really I do, but you know how Dumbledore is- always watching my every move. So I figured when I saw MacNair that this was the perfect opportunity."_

_Hermione listened, confused and horrified. Harry Potter, the Savior of the Wizarding World, was talking to the Dark Lord like they were long time friends! "Harry- what is going on?" she asked her voice meek and strangled with fear. The two men hurried over to her; Harry apologizing profusely, and Voldemort untying her with a flick of his wand. "My dear girl, I am sorry to keep you tired up for so long. My joy at seeing Harry simply over took my common sense. Please, do forgive me."_

_Hermione stared at him in shock then turned to Harry. "Harry, he's the Dark Lord. He kills people. Why are you so buddy- buddy with him?" Harry shook his head, and answered. "I'm sorry, Hermione, but you have been lied to for a very long time. He doesn't kill people, and he certainly isn't a Dark Lord. He's just got to maintain the persona."_

"_Wh- what?" Hermione was very confused. "Here, sit, I'll explain everything." He led her over to Voldemort's chair, and sat her down, the others following him. He proceeded to tell Hermione the true story, the one Dumbledore hid from everyone. "Now, when Tom was younger, he killed someone accidentally, and everyone decided that he was a Dark Lord. So he used it to his advantage, and set up a persona for himself._

_He styled himself 'Lord Voldemort', and made the Death Eaters his followers. Whenever he 'killed' someone, he really just wiped their memories and set them to America. That is also, incidentally, the reason America won't join in the war against Voldemort. They knew what he was doing, and since their president is also a Wizard (and they've had wizards in that seat since L.B.J.), he knew that America needed more Wizards, even if they were British. So he agreed to help Tom with his plan._

_Now, this was also great for England, because A). The Wizarding population was getting out of control, and B). People needed jobs. So when Tom here stared exporting people to America, the Ministry needed more and more people to work for him as Aurors, and spies, and everything else that Wars need. So, Hermione, you see? He's a good guy." Hermione was silent, trying to take it all in. One question remained in her mind and that was "Why is Dumbledore watching your every move if he knows all this?"_

_Harry and Tom shook their heads, the others muttering under their breath. Snape responded to this one, saying, "He lost it a long time ago, and really believes that Tom is going to kill everyone. Poor old fool." Everyone shook their heads in agreement. Hermione looked around her, and asked "So, why am I here?"_

_She didn't expect Harry to smile like he'd just beaten Ron at chess, or Snape and Lucius and Draco to start chuckling, and she certainly didn't expect to see Voldemort start blushing. "Harry?" she asked, "What's going on?" Over his chuckles, Harry said "Tom, here, has had a crush on you for a very long time. So I decided to facilitate the crush, and brought you with me." Tom reached over and smacked Harry on the shoulder and Draco reached out to smack Voldemort upside the head._

"_Only I can smack Harry, Tom. You know that."_

"_Sorry, Draco. I just really needed to right then."_

_This, more than anything, convinced Hermione that they were telling the truth. Otherwise, would Lord Voldemort allow himself to be hit by one of his subordinates? No, Hermione didn't think so. So she said "Alright… so why are we here? I mean, can't we relocate?"_

_Almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth, they appeared inside a huge Mansion. "Malfoy Manor,"Draco explained at her confused look. "This is where Tom lives when he's not being all Lord- Voldemorty." She nodded. Once they were all settled, they proceeded to get __thoroughly_ _shit- faced._

_flashback end_

The last thing Hermione remembered was Tom dragging her away from the rest of them, into his room. When they got there- well, that's why she was sore. And why she remembered so much shouting of the word 'Mudblood'. Apparently, it was a turn- on for Voldemort.

She pulled her attention out of the past when she heard Harry say, crossly, "Stop that, Voldemort. I can't look at Draco meaningfully if you keep making snide remarks." She heard Voldemort's protestations of innocence, and took a breath. _Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. If you're going to go insane, do it all the way._

She walked into the room.

The conversation stopped when the occupants saw her walk in. They were all waiting for her reaction, but Hermione just walked in calmly and sat down, saying "Don't tease, them, Tom dear. It's not very nice," before reaching across him to grab a bagel.

They watched her for a second, as though to assure themselves that she wasn't going to lose it, then continued their eating (or in Sev and Lucius' case, making- out). She watched as life- as- she- knew- it was rearranged before her eyes, and took a bite of her bagel. It was good.

She'd learned her lesson- breakfast at the Malfoy's was always an interesting affair.

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Author cringes behind computer screen, whimpers "Don't hurt me."

A/N: So, like it? Hate it? Indifferent? Leave a review and tell me!

Thanks,

Netrixie


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